What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
16.06.2025 09:01
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I have no regrets .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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I was seconnd youngest,
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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I think the readers, may guess!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Especially a lifetime of it.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I could never make a relationship work though!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was 9 years of age.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
How do flat Earthers explain the existence of other spherical planets?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
(And it was in our own minds.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I write beautiful poetry .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I waited trembling.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im still living with it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Comes on , in middle age.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
It was going to be , some day.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He knew the spot.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Ive learnt so much.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I said to her
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was very sick at this time too.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Who then, do I blame.?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She loved him until the end.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was scared of men, in general
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And i lived it daily.
My family never makes their pension either.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She wouldn,t have been !
Put me off passion for life!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But it wasn’t much.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I don,t even have a pension.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So whats the point in blame.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was in good health!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But, we were locked up after school.
We were not on the streets..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We all went to grammer schools
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
This is soul school!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
What did i know ?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
All the time i was locked up.
She married twice! .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Would this be the day?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She found it foreign!.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I will be 64.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One cannot live in the past .
As i do to all so called friends.?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My life is so biszare .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.